We often think of chemistry as something that “just happens.” But for lasting chemistry, a lot more effort is involved. (If you want to learn more about the idea of chemistry I recommend reading our article, Chemistry: Have you lost that loving feeling (or never had it to begin with)?)
Below is the story of a friend of ours, Isaac, who has some great insights into the idea of relationship chemistry:
I want to discuss the story of how I met and fell in love with my wife and how chemistry played or did not play, a role in that.
I first met my wife through a friend who was dating her at the time. Let me be clear that I had zero interest in her back then and she likewise had none in me.
I thought she was pretty cool, but she was my friend’s girlfriend and I respected that wholeheartedly. In fact, she set me up with my first date after returning home from my church mission.
This lack of feeling is crucial to the point I want to make. Several months later, once I’d completed two semesters and was home for the summer, I decided to message her on Facebook to see how she was doing. She told me that she and my friend had broken up and how much she was struggling.
It was during this time that we became actual friends as opposed to the awkward “friend of a friend.” When we both returned to Rexburg, Idaho in the fall we started hanging out quite a bit. I became good friends with her and her roommates. She even made me a cake for my birthday. At first, I was afraid that she liked me, but after a couple DTR’s that semester, it was clear that neither of us had feelings for one another. But we enjoyed each other’s company and became best friends.
After that semester ended she went home to prepare for a church mission. While we had sporadic contact I didn’t see her again for a little over 2 years. I missed her quite a bit.
During that time I continued to work on my degree, date, and work. As the time got closer to when she would return home I became increasingly excited that I would have my friend home. I personally had gone through some radical changes and was more open to the possibility of pursuing something with her.
On the day she got home I messaged her wanting to Skype. We did and it was wonderful. We ended up talking every day for over a month. Yet still, I had only sporadic feelings. But as time went on, I thought about our potential romantic relationship more and more.
At the time I happened to be reading How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, which made me consider her seriously. Eventually, I decided to just go for it.
It was true that I didn’t really feel anything beyond friendship, but I liked her as a person and I knew her faults as well as her strengths. It was at this point that I began to feel chemistry for her.
This is the point I wish to make. When we think of Chemistry we often think of it happening and then we pursue whomever cupid’s arrow happens to hit.
In my case, it was the opposite. I found a girl I liked, that I could talk to and then I chose to pursue her. Then and only then did the chemistry come for me.
In case you are wondering, I’ll finish the story. We both got back up to school and the second day we hung out I told her about my feelings.
It took her three months of spending time together and going on dates before she developed those feelings for me. By the end of that semester we began dating and later that year we were married in the Rexburg temple. I’ve never been happier.
One of the most basic and fundamental principles of life is agency. Often times when we are dating, we let our feelings dictate whom we date. I am so grateful I didn’t do that.
3 comments
Thank you for sharing that I think that's a great story for people to hear! You started as friends first, and as you got to know her more deeply and develop, you then became more romantically interested in her. Anything specific about what in "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" made you consider more seriously dating her?
ReplyDeleteThomas, check out Isaac's (the author of this post) response below!
DeleteHey thanks for the comment! I think there were several things in the book that were useful but for me the most important thing was that it helped me consider my dating relationships in a rational and organized way. I think if any one thing was most useful it was the FACES acronym that allowed me to consider various aspects of compatibility. Our compatability isn't perfect but it works.
ReplyDeleteWe are excited to hear your insights or questions!