#JUSTADATE
The issue complicating the dating scene is the exaggerated meaning of a DATE. Dates are simple commitments that typically last 1-3 hours. Beyond your commitment to be kind and respectful during those few hours together, you owe each other nothing! That date is not a commitment to marriage, engagement, dating exclusively, or even a second date! So why freak out about it? Stop it.
Here's the deal GUYS
The issue complicating the dating scene is the exaggerated meaning of a DATE. Dates are simple commitments that typically last 1-3 hours. Beyond your commitment to be kind and respectful during those few hours together, you owe each other nothing! That date is not a commitment to marriage, engagement, dating exclusively, or even a second date! So why freak out about it? Stop it.
Here's the deal GUYS
- If you're wimping out, stop it! We've surveyed men at BYU-Idaho and discovered that the main reasons you decide not to date are because your fear of rejection and that you think the girl is out of your league. How do you know she is out of your league? Whether she is in your league or not, so what if she says no? What's the worse thing that is going to happen? Don't act as though a "No" to a date somehow means you are a loser, unattractive, or not marriage material. Taking counsel from these fears will only make you miserable. Remember: even the best guys lose sometimes, just because you don't think you're attractive doesn't mean someone else won't, and chances are some girl is going to marry you (if you start asking girls on dates).
- Some guys cover their fears by telling themselves "it's easier to get to know a girl while hanging out." It's not. Don't believe the lies. The best way to get to know a girl is to be thoughtful and thorough in your dating and courtship. Dating well requires thoughtfulness, hanging out doesn't. Step up on the dates and cut back on the hanging out.
- Stepping up in dating is a duty. I understand that there are some (few) circumstances in which not dating is warranted. Chances are, you're not in those circumstances. According to our research, another reason men at BYU-Idaho don't ask girls out is because they are not sure they like them enough to spend money on them. What do you mean you don't "like them enough" to spend money on them? For starters, it's not your money anyways. It's the Lord's. So long as you are wise and prudent, I'm sure He appreciates when his sons take out his daughters (on a date) and treat them like the queens they inherently are.
- Maybe you don't want to spend money on them because you are not (currently) attracted to them or are not sure they are "marriage material." We understand that. Attraction is important and you don't have a lot of money. However, keep in mind that attraction is so much more than physical. And "marriage material" is much MUCH more than physical attraction. If you find her at least moderately attractive, take her on a date or two and see if your attraction doesn't increase a bit.
- Maybe you are really, really poor. That's okay. The best dates don't require much money. In fact, in our surveys to women, they say they feel uncomfortable when guys spend too much money (or time) on their dates. If she weren't comfortable on a first date, why would she go on a second? Simple and inexpensive = less spending, more dates, and less awkwardness. Try it.
- Remember, it's #justadate
- Need date ideas? Check us out at justadate.org
- If some guy takes you on a date this weekend and your roommate on a date next weekend, you have no right to get upset about it (unless he kissed you, which he shouldn't have, but we will address this later). If he asked you to marry him today and asked your best friend to marry him tomorrow, that would be a problem. But that's not what a date is! So don't take it personal and get over it! So long as they are not using them, guys have every right to take as many girls out as they would like. That's how they should be getting to know them. You make it more difficult for them to ask girls out when you freak out that he took someone else out.
- If some guy asks you out, even multiple times, it doesn't mean he wants to marry you. Hopefully it is because he finds you interesting and wants to get to know you at a deeper level. When you put too much pressure on those dates (through hyping it up either before or after with your girlfriends), you hinder the dating process, make it harder to just be yourself, and set yourself up for unrealistic expectations. Sometimes this increased pressure can even make you appear less attractive. Don't do that, remember it's #justadate
- Don't say no to a date just because he doesn't appear to be a future MD or have ginormous biceps. Honestly, it doesn't matter that you don't find him terribly attractive right now. Maybe he doesn't find you terribly attractive right now either! Mutual attraction can increase if you give him the chance to take you out on a couple dates. In telling their love stories, many women being with: "At first I wasn't that into him…"
- Be more approachable. That means you should smile more often, show more kindness, and even flirt more effectively (and perhaps more often). When you do that, you make it easier for men to overcome their fears and ask you out. And when he asks, say yes as often as you can.
- Remember, it's #justadate.
4 comments
My friend got raped on #justadate
ReplyDeleteKristen, I am terribly sorry to hear this. Whether it is #justdate, in a dating relationship, or even in a marriage, sexual assault in any form is wrong and intolerable. There is nothing that she could have done to justify or invite such an offense. I hope your friend is able to gain the support she needs. If she is a student at BYU-Idaho, the Title IX office is a place she can go to get access to many resources and I would encourage her to reach out. Here is their information: http://www.byui.edu/titleix
DeleteHow do you get a second date?
ReplyDeleteA third date? A fourth date?
DeleteWe are excited to hear your insights or questions!